Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
