dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
