I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
