Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
