Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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