im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
