I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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