we have pet lesbian snakes
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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