I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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