dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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