I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
