Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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