and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
