Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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