I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
