i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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