I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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