is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
