Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
