So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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