Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
