My cat gives me a boner
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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