I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
