She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
