I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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