i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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