Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
