I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He shit in the fireplace
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
