He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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