i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
