she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
