She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
