I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
