A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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