The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
