Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
