i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
