I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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