On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
