Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
