at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
