If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
