I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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