I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
zippers are such a cool invention
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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