That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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