Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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