We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
