I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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