.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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