she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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