My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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